DSS NEWS QEII Conference Centre in London: The proceedings began much as everyone expected with Lord Chilcot giving Blair direct questions about the legality of the war. Blair put up his usual admiral defence rebutting all of Chilcot’s accusations:
Blair: Look, you know Saddam Hussein was a nasty terrible man. He was a threat to the region. He used WMDs on own people….you know, he…. he was not a pretty straight sort of guy.
Chilcot: But the argument you made at the time Mr Blair was that Saddam’s possession of WMDs was the reason for war not only because he was evil.
Blair: Look, President Bush and I both thought that if we did not take him out now he would be just sitting there making WMDs day in and day out. We could not allow this to happen. I mean after threatening to remove Saddam for having WMDs we could not then just sit there. Now…come on lets be honest, we really gave him the impetuous to have WMDs because, you know, we are not going to go removing Dictators that could actually deploy weapons that can, well, cause mass destruction. I mean that would be stupid.
Both the panel of members of the inquiry and Blair went back and forth on the arguments for and against the war in painstaking detail. Neither side was really showing any progress. The tension of the inquiry was lapsing into boredom. Then after 45 minutes Blair appeared to undergo a sudden change:
Blair: Look mistakes were made. That is clear. I mean I really pushed George to get that second resolution to make it OK. He did’nt want to but it was I that convinced him. We really had a strong moral argument for the war. We were the good guys. … Saddam was a really really evil horrible man. He used WMDs on his own people! I had to get rid of him. His time had come. But then everyone kept on talking about the legality of the war. But we could build a democracy could you imagine a democracy! I know people told me it was risky. But he who dares wins, right? But then we invaded and it went so wrong. I did’nt listen to those that warned me. They told me how this would be a disaster and now thousands of people have lost their lives. And it was supposed to Saddam that was the mass murderer not me! …[Blair looks up and Chilcot] Oh Chilcot what have I done. Is it possible that I was the evil one? Is it really? Am I the criminal? Forgive me! Forgive me! Iraq Britain the world forgive me and George for what we have done! Please please Lord Chilcot arrest me!
Chilcot: Come come none of that now. Seriously Mr Blair please get back in your chair. [Chilcot clears his throat] Well lucky for you Mr Blair this is not a court room just an inquiry. [Again Chilcot clears his throat] So it does not really matter…urm if [Chilcot looks at Blair who now looks as if he is about to cry]… if you are a criminal or not. Tut tut now, theres a good chap, stop crying. Come come, its OK…. Yes Mr Blair, well. Urrm I think a cup of tea for Mr Blair? Someone? Thank you. Ok now. Now come Mr Blair be a good sport. Yes yes SILENCE everyone. I think we can concluded that…. well…I think it is clear that this inquiry has learnt the way decisions were made and actions taken, we have establish as accurately and reliably as possible what happened, and also identified lessons that can be learnt. So bravo everyone. Well indeed, thank you everyone inquiry closed.
The startling scenes left everyone quite bedaffled at the inquiry. Alistar Campbell who was at the back of the gallery lost complete control when Chilcot brought proceedings to a close. He was heard shouting as he was dragged out by police. “You fucking English bastard, you fucking pussy. I knew you were’nt a real fucking Scot. But we got that evil motherfucker and I proud. You here that you fuckers I am really proud! And Blair you fucking morally grey bastard you better learn what I taught you. You have to pick sides in this world. You are with the fucking good guys or the fucking losers.”
After the hearing, Jack Straw issued a press release saying that he had been duped into the whole thing and it was not his idea to begin with anyway. Lord Goldsmith announced that the war did not after all have any sort of legal grounds and he was forced by Mr Blair to say that a war would be legal. Elizabeth Wimshurst stated that she would be running for parliament under the slogan “I told you so”.
Iraqis in Baghdad were shown pulling down statues of Blair in Baghdad square. In the US Barack Obama refused to comment. George Bush stated that this was a war between good and evil. “If Tony thinks he is evil now, well shucks this is confusing. Because when I was with him he was definitely good guy but now he says he is evil and he did evil things like Saddam? Well shame on him. And shame on Saddam. Because you know two evil guys make a good guy.”